Seasons (7)

What is it about the end of summer that feels a little sad and at the same time exciting and refreshing as the autumn begins? This entry is very fitting with this time of year because I am learning about changing seasons in my own life as well. I am not just talking about becoming a mom, although that is the biggest change and the central reason for all the other changes in my life right now. I am talking in a more general sense, the change of life activity, my abilities, and ultimately my identity.
If you have been following my blog, you know that I am currently not running due to “injury” from labor with my six-month-old son. I am still in the midst of finding out exactly what my pain is due to. I have had some tests done and am awaiting more follow-up with doctors. In the midst of all the unknowns and waiting, I realized that my main hope was that I would “make it through” this time soon so I could get back to doing what I use to do and being who I use to be. However, as the months were passing and my pain was not decreasing or changing I started get discouraged and very frustrated and this was darkening my joy in life. One recent evening, after a particularly painful week and weekend I was feeling pretty angry. I went out to my beautiful, quiet backyard and sat down in surrender. I engaged with a deeper attitude in my heart. The real thought behind “holding on till something changes”. This thought that was poisoning my joy and peace was, “I will not learn contentment in this situation. I will not be ok with this reality. I will fight until I have what I gave up and I will wait until who I use to be is me again.”
I don’t know where you are spiritually, but in this anticlimactic moment in my simple backyard I met God and His grace and love for me in my situation. It was a small moment, but an important one. I finally told Him EXACTLY how I felt. No fluff, just how it was in that dark, angry heart. I cried a little. Then I just sat silently and prayed in my heart for Him to heal me. Not just heal my physical condition (although that was definitely part of it) but that He would mostly just heal my heart. That He would bring joy, peace, hope to me, in that moment, in that place in my life.
Like I mentioned, I am learning about seasons. I am learning that life is made up of many big and small seasons in our lives. Each season has it’s own unique qualities, some that are hard for us and some that we love easily and enjoy. But in order to embrace our season we have to embrace who we are in that season. For me right now, I am not a runner, I am not super active (like I love to be), I am not physically as strong as I once was. It feels like I am not able to do as much as I use to be able to do. This is what I was getting angry about. But God is showing me the different way to see this season. I am not a runner…I AM a mother. I am not super active and fast…I take my time on my walks and through my moments of my days, I enjoy them more fully now too. I am not as physically strong…but I am spiritually getting stronger, mentally strong (constant pain does that to you), and I am dependent on God. I may not be able to do what I use to do, or be exactly who I use to be but I am becoming a new version of myself. I am learning in this process to let God mold and shape my heart to match this time and be the best me for this season. In all this, I am FINDING joy in new things. I have peace and hope in the new challenges of this time. I also have new confidence and excitement for the new identity that is created here.
One of my favorite “sayings” is in a Psalm in the Bible. Psalm 16:6 says, “The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.” …Note, this does not say “I will have” or “I did have”, just “I have”. As I set my heart on what is most important and I open myself up to the new adventure in this new time, I find this saying very true of how I feel about where I am at. This season I am in, this person I am and am becoming is…BEAUTIFUL.

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